While awake...

I remember my Rilkean Heart ... and how it all began in 1996, in a cold town in a cold country, where the wooden houses would smell of tar on the few soothing spring nights... when love was very very far away...

While awake...

Love
and
Dare
to Live.

I see S and S. I look at S, and she looks older now, and for a moment I know that it cannot be, but then the thought escapes me, and I see her face so clearly. She does not smile. She is unhappy because she just broke up with her boyfriend. I tell her that this could be the beginning of something new, something better. Yeah well, she sighs. I have not seen her or S in years... because S died when she was 15.

I play a type of card game with my sisters. Our mother is watching. Each winning round we cut a piece of cucumber into small cubes and place them in a bowl. Each of us cut our pieces slightly differently. Mother becomes impatient with the game and wants us to stop.

I walk upstairs in a house that stands in the same place as my mother's parents house, yet it's not the same house. This house is made of wood, both inside and outside. I walk up the narrow wooden staircase to a small bedroom. A single bed is placed up against the wall. I walk through the bedroom to look inside the closet. Nothing. Everything has been taken out. I cannot see any spiders. Just a little dirt or dust on the floor. I walk back into the bedroom and lie down on the bed. I pull the cover over me, and remember that I am still wearing make-up and that I still have to go somewhere in a while... but for now I am just going to relax here. It feels so good to close my eyes.

I am taking an elevator. It is a very tall building. Later I am talking to someone and I tell them I dreamed of being inside an elevator.

I have written a letter to D and my father and some other people. I walk over to a mailbox, it is our outgoing mailbox, and place the letters in there. I notice now that the mailbox is completely filled with letters that should have been picked up ages ago! That is why I got no answer! I am so disappointed. Now I am beginning to wonder whether to give a phone call instead, but of course I won't. The letter will arrive late instead. I want the letter to be read first.

I am walking toward a building where AG works. She is not working right now, but she is there and she looks very tired. In fact, she answers me in an irritated voice and explains her irritations to be related to all her hard work. We're supposed to get ready for some event and go to the locker room. There are shower stalls, and as I shower I notice that the curtains are low enough for people to be seen. I notice men wandering about the locker room. I hurry to put on some clothes. A man looks in as I notice I am now dressed, and he smilingly asks if I am ready. Yep.

I see an entertainment park ride that is part of the natural landscape. It is a narrow waterchannel with small vessels in it. The vessels have the shape of round fruit, like oranges and blueberries. The fruit are hollowed out and children sit in them. It looks like a fairly fun ride for a child, but I wonder how they will keep water from leaking in through the sides since the fruit-rides are hollowed out from the sides so they have a cover on top. I am moving past this scenario and am soon looking at other things.

While awake...

Swedish dreams for those who can dream during light midsummer nights.

While awake...

The Sea

While awake...

Frailty - watch it around midnight, alone...

It is evening and I am walking around a small lake along a dirtroad. I run and sometimes walk. Now I am being accompanied by some friends. They were heading in the other direction but when I tell them a dangerous and drunken man is standing near the road they turn around and we all begin to run away, along the path. I observe myself from within as I am running along the path. I can feel how the dirt gives, and I am not getting tired from the running. Then we come to a spot that is dark and I can see a group of people walking toward us. Homeless people. They are wearing rags and as we pass them they say something to us. Perhaps to watch our steps.

I am standing in a bronze-age village. I am with a group of people who haven't yet discovered metal. We stand in front of a small structure the height of two men - it has an open wall toward us so we can see in. The clan-leader and his people are here - and they are talking to each other in low voices in a language we don't understand. We, who don't belong there, look at everything with open eyes - there are even children among us. The clan-leader has made a decision. He orders a man over to the place, the small hut, where metal is made -- and pours in a silvery gleaming hot fluid into a mold that has the shape of an axe! They are going to give us the axe! I think I undestand - they are going to share their knowledge even if we have no idea of how it's done. We only see what we see. The process is not over yet, and after the man has poured in the silver liquid into the mold, he comes over to our side of the wall to a pipe that is sticking out of the wall. The pipe is plugged so he opens it up and out comes two different metal-colored fluids. The fluid looks hot to me, burning hot. A child from our clan runs over and before anyone can push her away she touches the liquid - she pulls her hand away instantly and the other clan's metal-maker shoves her away but is almost laughing at the same time. We don't know what this fluid is for - but I am beginning to understand; it must be the leftovers or some part of the process of making metal that is now being expelled. Now the clan leader speaks in a language we can understand. He tells us that this expelled liquid is like a disease, it thinks that the other part, the metal, doesn't belong - so that is why it must come out. There are two different kinds of leftover substances. It is not hostilty neither friendliness in the air. It might be a notion that has not been felt for a long time - among strangers who pass on knowledge to each other and then move on.

I am going to enter a song contest. AG is also entering it. I see her song lyrics, and they are much less complicated than mine. I ask her if she thinks we might have to memorize the lyrics, now worried that I will have no chance of doing that in time for the contest. She says no, that that is the whole point, to not memorize it. The judges don't want anyone to know the song they are performing. On the way to the contest I begin to make up a melody for the song. It sounds pretty good. But then I begin to wonder if they'll allow me to perform it because I hear that the previous contest winner sang the same song as I'm planning to sing. I am also telling myself to behave confident on stage, and not to stand in one spot the whole time.

I am inside a military groundlevel bunker in the middle of the desert. The only room is bare except for a medical chair that can be adjusted to lean back and some technical devices. A strongly built soldier sits in the chair. The room is only lit up by the natural light that comes in through the small rectangular window - mountains and arid landscape can be seen through the window. The soldier is here without permission. He is here to get information about something. I am looking at him from up above and in a close up I see him lean his head back, open one eye wide and then carefully place a contact lense on the eye. This contact lense contains a microchip that enables him to see his mission as a written and perhaps also spoken message - as if seen on a TV screen. I can see the mission and also hear it as if he would see it.

Now I am outside the bunker, far away in the desert, moving with a flying vehicle toward the bunker. I am with someone, perhaps two soldiers. One is older and more authorative than the other. I can see the desert landscape through the window in our flying object. But we can see what is below the ground, in fact, that is what we are most interested in. We see what is below ground as blueprint-like maps of underground tunnels. They spread out through the desert in straight, long lines. One of them lead to the bunker. Here and there some of the tunnels connect. They are unknown to everyone else in the desert. As we continue to fly toward the bunker I happen to look north and for a fragment of a second I see the outline of a tall skyscraper! It seem to exist there just for a moment, and only when viewed from a particular angle - and that angle escapes very fast since I am moving in proportion to it. I realize that we are looking at everything in the desert through filters... we can only see these blueprint-like structures, and right now we are only interested in what is below ground. So we have filtered out what is above ground. But the desert landscape does look realistic and there are absolutely no civilzation nearby. So why is there a skyscraper hidden in the landscape?

An alligator or dolphin is feeling frustrated because when swimming near the surface people think it's a shark. It complains about the preconcepts people have about it. I see through the clear water and know that the animal is not dangerous. At least it doesn't come across as one, and it truly has a problem with its anatomical likeness to a shark. It swims in the water that has appeared in the valley below my parents' house.

For papa bear ...
I love you very, very much!