Sunday, February 23, 2003

A cat is nursing its kittens nearby, and to protect them I hold them in my lap. I am wearing gloves. The cats might first have been rabbits or small monkeys but are now cats. Now the cats sleep quietly in my lap but when the cat wakes up she begins to bite my hand. First I think that it's just playful biting, but it continues and the cat is now very aggressive and tries to bite through my gloves. I have one hand free and try to push the cat away from me, but it grabs hold of my hand with more intensity each time I try to push it away. Now I hit the cat on its head. First lightly - I don't want to hurt it - but now I am scared and I just want to get rid of the aggressive animal. Luckily it hasn't bitten through my glove yet. I look around and we are outdoor and the sky is dark and dangerous.

At some point I am seeking shelter from one or two men who are throwing spears made of hair at me. The men are very accurate and I am right in their way. After some struggle I manage to position myself behind a barn and look out toward their spot from an angle that they are not aware of - but I know I don't have much time before they will realize this. Since I have no weapon I have no idea of what to do with my advantage.

It is war and the U.S. has closed its borders. In fact, anyone trying to enter the country will be rejected or even shot at or forced to commit suicide when fleeing. Many still try to enter the country and are extremely desperate to find a safe place. They do not seem to care what happens to them as long as they get inside the country. I see people literally jumping off cliffs and to their deaths when being chased by helicopters and border patrols. I stand near what looks like an empty waterfall, but instead of water falling people are falling. Some of them are also climbing down the slippery and sharp rocks toward the border. I am halfways down and don't want to jump. Instead I climb down without getting hurt and raise my hands to indicate I surrender. I don't want to get shot when I am so close. I know that I can get to the other side because have documents to show the border patrol. Somehow I manage to pass through and am quickly shoved out in the empty streets of what seems to be the capitol. I run as fast as I can but I already hear the helicopters. They are looking for me. I run underneath the trees on a boulevard but cannot last for long before the begin shooting at me. They keep missing but become more precise and closer each time. Now I think I am a boy. I look down, and see a sewer hole - I might be able to escape this way. I do.

A man is shipwrecked at sea. He is hurt. He is lying in water on top of a metal raft that looks like the torn side of a large ship. Water reaches up to his chest. He has some kind of technical device that allows him to check his position, and he also has a flashlight. He is old and in pain, but he still has strength to fight. He is one of the people who have been ejected from the U.S. because of the war. There are many more people in the sea, many of them have drowned. He has not given up yet. I am terrified at this scenery.

I am now visiting a woman who lives on a faraway island or place, away from the danger. She has promised to help me. It looks so beautiful here and we sit outside in the lush garden and sip on tropical drinks.

I am back in the city where there is danger. I am with a man who might be dangerous. I think I live in his house. A friend visits me. She has to have a special cardkey to exit after visiting me, and wonders if I also have a key before we close the door to the apartment. I realize I don't have a key and remember I left it in a drawer in the room nextdoor. That room is also the man's gym. He is a martial arts expert and works out every morning. Today he has a group of people with him. I look in through the door and turn back to my friend and tell her that she has to come over and look at it! I know that if he sees her he might kill her later, but we take the chance. My friend waits while I go to get the keycard. The martial arts session is over and the man stands near the desk. He sees me and smiles. I pretend to be very happy to see him and walk over to hug him. The embrace lasts a very long time, almost inducing a sense of calm and security. I am now both confused and scared. The man is talking to someone while hugging me. Afterward I take the keycard from the drawer. At least I can get out now.





Thursday, February 20, 2003

While awake...

Listen!

Love!
My sisters are visiting and I teach them how to tip. We get the bill and I point to the sum and explain that one divides the number in half and then again in half and the result is the amount of tip one pays! But, I tell them, people rarely pay the full amount. My sisters nod and accept the explanation.

M.N. has sent me a letter. She has included a pamphlet/magazine where she is featured as a successful teacher. I read the article with a sting of envy. Now I see her classroom in E. and see that it looks surprisingly spartan. I notice that some of the wall displays are tilting a little and could use some rearranging. This gives me a sense of relief. I think that she went abroad to be a teacher so she could more easily escalate the ladder and get a better salary. I look in the envelope she sent me and see a collection of colors in small containers. Some are water colors and others are small crayons, tubes and pencils. I think the students are expected to mix colors with the help of these small containers and tubes - everything looks very tiny, and almost cute. I inspect these art supplies and they have a vague scent of something, perhaps paint.

I am driving on a freeway. The traffic is making it difficult to get into the right lane. I see a complex pattern of freeway overpasses and pretzel-like roads - all filled with moving cars. Now I drive on a very steep street. I drive a stickshift and fear I will have to stop right before the knoll. My sisters are with me. I approach the top of the hill - it looks like S.F.


Tuesday, February 18, 2003

While awake...

Blogarithm
Bozlister
---
Haiku Blog
Haiku the Blog
Haiku for People
Haiku at Ahapoetry
Haiku Society of America
Beauty
A great haiku article!
---
      mountain hike
we drink from the beginning
      of a great river
(Yvonne Hardenbrook)



Sunday, February 16, 2003

The little girl is getting weaker. She tells me she has taken her medicine and the combination of it makes her incapable of walking. I decide to take her to a nurse. I lift her up in my arms to carry her to the nurse.

We are now outside a building that looks like my old school. I carry the girl in my arms. She is perhaps 9 years old, but I am not getting tired by her weight. I walk toward the lower playground and the long stairs leading down to the parking lot. I am about to start walking down the steps when I see and am told that there is no point taking her there. The nurse is not there. In fact, there are no buildings near the parking lot but a rainshed. I keep holding the little girl, and have no sense of tiredness in me.

Now I am kicking a soccer ball together with some friends on the yard behind the stable near grandmother's. We don't play a regular soccer game but instead kick the ball to whomever we want, without any rules or objective. I recognize the people as childhood friends. I notice that I am having difficulties passing the ball to other people. My legs don't really obey me no matter how well I aim for the ball. The moment I kick the ball everything seem to slow down, as if I am moving against some invisible resistance, but the ball does move away and ultimately reaches someone else in the group. D is here and I kick the ball to him. He picks it up with his foot and kicks off the ball toward the wall of the stable, and proceeds to bounce it off the wall so that he catches the ball with his foot and the kicks it back toward the wall. He does this several times.We are all very impressed but say nothing. He passes the ball back to me, and we continue to play this nonsense game of soccer for a while longer. The group disperse and I see D walking up the small hill to the upper yard and then disappear. I walk toward my parents' house - I want to make a phone call.




Saturday, February 15, 2003

While awake...

Champagne.
Poetry .
More Champagne.
More Poetry .

For my Dear A .

Sunday, February 09, 2003

Saturday, February 08, 2003

While awake...

Something that evolves .
(Inspired by Nätkreatur )
Euphoria. Walking toward a house that will be ours for a night. I close the door and we are inside.

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

While awake...

For A (mor)
A nightmare...

Rock climbing. A woman falls and is left hanging by one leg. The rope is seen unwinding and she falls to her death. Her companion survives.

A man dies, perhaps through murder. Later I see him in a meeting, so perhaps he has returned?

Someone feels responsible for what has occurred and tries to cover it up, but wants to wait until morning to move the bodies. We stand at a window and look toward the landscape where it all happened. It is early dawn. Why not call the police? No, not an option. Won't someone miss these people? No use thinking of that. I now become aware of who is dead - and it installs great fear and sadness in me. I cannot believe it is true, and there seem to be no end to the misery.

I see some old friends and they ask me where I have been. I tell them I went skiing.

I am being interrogated by the police together with someone. How many siblings do I have? Three I say. Three? What are their names? I can name two of them and then realize I only have two siblings. Why did I say three? The police look at me very suspiciously. I look at someone, and someone stares back at the police.

Sunday, February 02, 2003

While awake...

In rememberance .